I think my greatest enemy is my partner

Neither my friends, my best friends nor my family members.

Once, my close friend told me how to define close friend and best friend. Close friend is a person you can tell everything to him/her but you rather not to, while best friend is a person you need to tell him/her everything because they truly care for you. Honesty is the best policy, so before everything went pear-shaped, better have someone back you up by discussing the pros and cons, as well as the outcomes or consequences of doing it. Best friend is the person that will never turn him/her back on you, if they really mean a best friend to you. Tell me what you'll feel when a person that you made as a best friend of yours actually discriminated you?

I will never put the blame on anyone. I might questioning their honesty and loyalty, maybe I am too scared or expecting they will treat me like how I treated them, I want them to be as loyal as me and love me for who I am. When I questioning others, I am actually questioning myself, it's like a reflection; Maybe when I feel irritated, when I feel annoyed, when I feel sad, maybe they felt that too when I done something terribly ridiculous and incredibly bad.

Our emotion is what makes us human. Without it we are like empty shells. The only trouble with emotions is, at some point it gets the better of us. On the other hand, this also the particular trait that makes us reckless making decisions based on our impulse, think with our hearts not with our minds. Tell me who can you blame when you actually spoke out things that you'll regret of in the future? Can you ever have the thick face to put the blame on whoever made you angry or made you sad? Regrettably these happened on most of the people. The best thing about myself is I always have self-consciousness and better anger management, most importantly, I am a person who want to take responsibility of everything I have done, what I have said. When one day I said it, I really mean it. Even if it may sounds ridiculous and harsh, I still mean it and that's why I said it.

It is so true that we decide how we live our life. Most of the horrible moments happened is because we have no control over everything that happened, but this still does not give us the prerogative to blame it to others. Like I said, be a man, take the responsibility for your actions. I knew a half-man or should I said, a half-matured man that tend to deny what he said and done, when we argued about it, all he said is he remembers what he has done and nobody can put their words in his mouth. Ironically that, after happened for few times, I eventually realized that he definitely have the benefit from denying things because it will make him look better, while I don't see any point why should I put my words in his mouth, it doesn't benefit me at all by doing these, but more argument. I want to seek for the truth but I don't have the proof, but hey, again I heard it and I can still remember the scenes very well.

Back to my quote written above. My partner is the person I shared my stories the most, the person that I always turn to to seek for empathy, the person that I have my faith with. Many said should beware of the consequences of being so true, it's like you open up yourself without hesitation and you know you knew that your partner won't betray on you. My partners definitely is the only person that understand my fears, knowing my weaknesses. Sometimes I feel grateful that GOD sent my partner from above and accompany me all this while. I always tell myself my partner is my partner, not enemy, we are in the same line and we are not having war against each other. Like GAZA and ISRAEL. Imagine what will happen if they both knew the weaknesses and fears of each other? Tell me more about that. All that I can say is fatality and solid condemnation.

So tell me more what do you feel if this particular person chose to attack your weakness even if the situation is not as bad as what we thought? It may be a minor argument but unbelievable that your partner will chose to pick the weapon (Like Bazuka wtf) with the highest level of condemnation to bomb you into pieces. Hard to understand? For instance, my worst weakness is when people said I have a broad face, then when small problem occurred, your boyfriend yell at you saying you have a broad face and it disgusts him. Gosh, can you imagine how the girlfriend will feel about? On top of that, the girlfriend knew that she has a broad face and she is working hard to make it look better. But it was just out of a random day, usual small argument, her boyfriend condemned her by using her utmost weakness. What more can I say? It's not plainly a small argument anymore, what I see is the boyfriend would rather to speak the evil spells out to release his anger but to think twice what is the consequences if he did it. Losing the girlfriend is just a small matter, but you already make the girlfriend's heart went frozen and lost faith in you.

When you done something wrong, it will never went wrong if you admit it and apologize, or you are so damn wrong if you chose to give all sorts of great reasons of yours. Like you can say: "it is because this and that, and I am not totally wrong in it, and I don't mean to hurt you, it is also because you like this and that, that's why I like this and that." But it still not consider the valid reason to condemn your partner and hurt them with their utmost fear and weaknesses. I don't see any sense or any sign of regret by giving such reason, all I felt is stupidity and afraid of taking responsibility, as well as self-centered. Zero empathy, zero consciousness.

So when I think about what reason that lead us to such ending, I will then start to mirror at myself. Maybe I am too well in bringing an image of an arrogant person, self-centered and seems strong and heartless, so people will look deeper and find the most harsh way to put me down. To be frank, being arrogant and self-centered seems the best shade for me to defense myself, and to protect myself, I can be incredibly mean towards people just expecting such idiots wouldn't dare to mess with me, unless they are looking for more troubles. Even before they take the first step, I made my first move and condemn them. I done this repeatedly and one day I realized it may the best way but also the worst way because such actions make others misunderstood about you. Sounds awkward, I know.

All and all, people that I have faiths with never turn me down. They love for who I am. Once I said that I dislike Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl because she's such a bully and enjoy condemning people. Then my best friend said owh you should mirror yourself then. Well leave this all alone, all I want to say is best friend and family are the people in life that can see you through as if you're naked from inside out. I don't mind them to point out my worse attitude because they want the best for me, but when a stranger did the same thing, he can just fuck off because I don't give a damn at all. Still I have mercy on such people, rather not to condemn because I don't know them neither. The difference between us is I have better matter not to condemn people I don't really know.

So one of my close friend betrayed me. It's just a plain sentence and it means nothing. I felt surprised but anything. Like I said we can't put the blame on others for treating us that way. It may be your fault or they are just simply against you, a fact that you can't change. I don't treat people I love that way, I also can't ask all the people that I care and I love to love me back, care for me more. I wanted to be greedy, but I know I can't. If someone betray you, or hurt you in any way, just bear in mind that, this person does not love you.

Maybe at this point I should stop being rebellious and just stay in my comfort zone. But it's my instinct to be optimistic and always think of the good side, I can be forgiveness but how can I repeatedly ignore my dignity and self-value? On top of it all, I'll angry with myself, my life, and others and this debilitating emotion is ruining my life.